Christmas Teachers

This is a long post, but I trust teachers in particular will enjoy its Christmas educational insights. I wrote these a few years ago, for one of my annual staff Stocking Fillers, and whilst there are a few personal in-jokes for colleagues in subjects other than my own [English], I trust the generic references resonate here and there.

And I do love list poems….

Christmas Maths Teachers

who use numbers for disguise
who count on their fingers
who dream of being an iambic pentameter
who sliderule down slopes
who know accuracy isn’t always right
who add then divide then multiply then halve sheep to sleep
who are fractions rather than fractious
who are wrong
who calculate immediately Santa is too big for most chimneys
who know sonnets love their number of lines
who think algebra is awry
who would love the orgasm of geometry
who appreciate zero’s pervasive existence
who understand heliotrope is more than a colour

Christmas PE Teachers

who wear shorts for a seasonal thrill
who run to find out where they are
who know a javelin only floats as far as it is thrown
who think Santa could use an exercise plan
who can roll down a hill and survive
who know hurdles have no place in education
who understand Sports Day is for musicians too
who show you their breasts
who feel the pain of winning
who understand that a relay is a political act
who throw words too
who can get by without the odd toe
who think a sonnet is raced in fourteen lanes
who only get high on lactic acid

Christmas Art Teachers

who know how colour is more than their words
who use canvas when paint is not enough
who choose heliotrope for the tinge in Santa’s cheeks
who imagine appendages through rose-tinted desire
who paint sonnets in thirteen colours
who understand only metaphor explains and explores
who think surfing is sculpturing a wave
who put curves in straight lines
who are happy to have two complete ears
who believe that description is a useless art
who abhor black and white in education
who use a palette for being mixed-up
who know Dali should design the curriculum
who brushstroke their lives

Christmas Geography Teachers

who would recognise the Mersey from an airplane
who have read Frank Monkhouse
who understand where Coleridge found god
who give a shit about a spur
who meander
who love being physical
who know a sonnet has peaks and troughs
who know more about latitudes than Santa
who see more about a shore
who get it wrong and have a trip in a field
who didn’t throw sheep turds at Buxton
who love the tease of an apex
who promote pantheism
who see it all from the ground

Christmas Beliefs & Values Teachers

who see the light as light
who accept Christmas has its many voices
who place palm to palm for the touch
who understand that Santa is one of many myths
who deplore what Sara did to Samuel
who sing carols in silence
who mark homework on Sundays
who genuflect with their thinking
who know a sonnet is the speech of fourteen different gods
who know Luke was the insidious optimist
who never confuse Santa with Satan on purpose
who accept Christmas has its many vices
who aren’t waiting
who also carry their own cross

Christmas History Teachers

who know time tells what time hides
who can explain the lineage of Santa’s reign
who see beyond the storytelling
who believe Shakespeare’s was before the Italian’s
who rewrite their own disasters as success
who remember when Labour was different to the Tories
who remember
who accept that the future hasn’t happened
who understand that music explains everything
who extrapolate like gamblers
who place bets like clairvoyants
who think their subject should teach lessons
who can prove Ofsted was, is and always will be shit
who record better times

Christmas Learning Support Teachers

who still have special needs
who work from within
who advise Santa to help himself
who know how to misbehave
who have to see beyond nothing
who live euphemism
who triumph in minutia
who help themselves
who tell Rudolf his nose is a blessing
who take sonnets any way they come
who can spell heliotrope
who fake big strides
who speak a little French
who charge more than two pence

Christmas Science Teachers

who know hypothesis is the beginning of ignorance
who spread sheets
who just guess
who know Doppler isn’t a reindeer
who experiment without metaphor
who add plugins for porno
who are literally
who double up
who hear Doppler before it arrives, just
who fuck their FFTs
who understand the ratio of Santa’s displacement of soot
who think Physics is Maths with balls
who know a loving spoonful is less than a test tube full
who hear a sonnet when it leaves, louder

Christmas ICT Teachers

who suspect god is an AppleMac
who junk Santa as spam if he doesn’t use the chimney
who are saving pen and paper for the apocalypse
who personify their screamsavers
who accept a computer will never be a proper noun
who disconnect
who dream of heliotrope keyboards in the sky
who know haiku is a broadband sonnet form
who WiFi their hi fi
who never wear protection for a surge
who surf their thinking
who know backing it up isn’t just a sexual proclivity
who don’t get George Burns
who still read books with their hands

Christmas Business & Economics Teachers

who know Chity Wankers is a puerile misspelling
who think Santa should shit down City chimneys
who do not want metaphors for greed
who appreciate Karl Marx was right
who understand recession is more than a banker’s hairline
who want a windfall to be from a great height
who know money is an insidious root
who ask Rudolf to shit down City chimneys
who would give bonuses to all who sold their souls, knowing…
who imagine heliotrope as a purple noose
who know Sales are just a reduction in tears
who would shit down City chimneys given the chance
who want an acronym for RBS to include rectum
who sense there’s no poetry in rage

Christmas T F&D Teachers

who fuel their own Christmas lights
who make more fucking clocks than Switzerland
who blueprint their lives
who teach that sprouts are a cultural culinary perversion
who are appalled at the Santa/chimney design paradox
who sand the grain the righteous way
who can craft Christmas out of cardboard
who know Derek rules
who overcook on purpose
who compose the tangible
who would timetravel back to the wonders of Woodwork
who are their own appliances
who solder sonnets with quicksilver rhymes
who season all of the festive moment

Christmas Language Teachers

who understand Santa is a corruption
who blame Babel on linguistic ignorance
who don’t baulk at Santa’s bulk
who attach gender to words without fear of labelling
who can talk drivel in any language
who know a sonnet is more than sound in its etymology
who speak when spoken to [by a foreigner]
who translate for obfuscation
who hear meaning in a strange sound
who question Chomsky’s innate sanity
who think grammar should be known beyond grandmas
who know annus mirabilis sounds ironic every year
who can multi-task in a semantic field
who use fuck as a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, pronoun, or
[interjection, with its participle sometimes used as a
[strong emphatic, and the verb to fuck used
[transitively or intransitively, or just for the fucking
[fun of it.

Christmas Music and Drama Teachers

who feel invisible
who know the pure melody of dissonance
who pontificate in their performance
who eat all the pies
who know the only reality is absurd
who dress up
who want to be a bull’s pizzle
who have fuzz and wah wah dreams
who gesture sonnets on their stage
who feel forgotten
who fuck in iambic pentameters
who are the curriculum
who know Ofsted is Oedipal
who forgive

Christmas English Teachers

who career on a seasonal sledge
who are as ambiguous as love
who know Godot will never
who spell Santa with a sibilance of snow
who listen to meanings as they change
who know an English emporium trades in metaphor and error
who will travel to nowhere they want to go
who hear Carver in the simplicity of everything unsaid
who know a line can rise and fall like now
who fight philistinism for philosophical fun
who write sonnets in the rhythm of sound
who know when to let themselves go
who understand getting the chimney inside Santa
who are standing out on the edge

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