Actually, as an opening aside, I will admit I have been eating Spam of late, prompted by an extremely clever bit of advertising which is an abundant collection of Spam recipes on their web site. Yes, you have to like this kind of food before being so prompted, and perhaps healthy and/or refined eaters will be instinctively deterred. It would be true to argue there is an element of nostalgia here because I used to be fed spam by the wonderful lady who would babysit for me when I was a child living in Omaha, but it is also a weak justification for the reality of a proclivity to the junk in my eating habits.
However, the spam I am writing about here is the email variety, once tinned in its inbox proliferation when at one time I received vast amounts of remarkably literate spam tomes (the process then, as far as I understand it, to send large amounts of copy and pasted text that would bypass spam filters). I received this gratefully, using it to find a wealth of ‘spam poems’ within the complexities of its language.
Sadly – in one sense – the spam filters I have had for many years now work brilliantly and I rarely get spam of any kind, and certainly little of any interest.
Until yesterday. Whilst still not a patch on the former good kind, and these rather formulaic, I have enjoyed, and post here with the simple question: which is the most likely to be true?!
- URGENT LETTER FROM HOSPITAL
MY DEAR BELOVED ONE, THIS IS MRS VIVIAN BROWN FROM ESTONIA WRITING FROM HOSPITAL HERE IN BURKINA FASO; THEREFORE THIS EMAIL IS VERY URGENT. I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I’M DYING HERE IN THIS HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW AND I DON’T KNOW IF I WILL SEE SOME DAYS TO COME ACCORDING TO MY DOCTOR. I WAS INFORMED BY MY DOCTOR THAT I GOT POISONED AND IT AFFECTED MY LIVER AND I CAN ONLY LIVE FOR SOME DAYS. THE REASON WHY I CONTACTED YOU TODAY IS BECAUSE I KNOW THAT MY STEP MOTHER WANTED TO KILL ME AND TAKE MY INHERITANCE FROM MY LATE FATHER.
I HAVE A LITTLE ADOPTED CHILD NAMED MARY C. BROWN THAT I ADOPTED IN THIS COUNTRY WHEN MY LATE FATHER WAS ALIVE AND $8.5 MILLION DOLLARS I INHERITED FROM MY LATE FATHER. MY STEP MOTHER AND HER CHILDREN THEY ARE AFTER MARY C. RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THEY FOUND OUT THAT MARY C. WAS AWARE OF THE POISON, AND BECAUSE I HANDED THE DOCUMENTS OF THE FUND OVER TO HER THE DAY MY STEP MOTHER POISONED MY FOOD, FOR THAT REASON THEY DO NOT WANT MARY C. TO EXPOSE THEM, SO THEY ARE DOING EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO KILL HER.
MY BELOVED, PLEASE I WANT YOU TO HELP HER OUT OF THIS COUNTRY WITH THE MONEY, SHE IS THE ONLY ONE TAKING GOOD CARE OF ME HERE IN THIS HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW AND EVEN THIS EMAIL YOU ARE READING NOW SHE IS THE ONE HELPING ME OUT. I WANT YOU TO GET BACK TO ME SO THAT SHE WILL GIVE YOU THE DOCUMENTS OF THE FUND AND SHE WILL DIRECT YOU TO A WELL KNOWN LAWYER THAT I HAVE APPOINTED, THE LAWYER WILL ASSIST YOU TO CHANGE THE DOCUMENTS OF THE FUND TO YOUR NAME TO ENABLE THE BANK TRANSFER THE MONEY TO YOU.
THIS IS THE FAVOR I NEED WHEN YOU HAVE GOTTEN THE FUND:
(1) KEEP 30% OF THE MONEY FOR MARY C. UNTIL HER FINISH HER STUDIES TO BECOME A WOMAN AS SHE HAS BEEN THERE FOR ME AS MY LOVELY DAUGHTER AND I PROMISED TO SUPPORT HER IN LIFE TO BECOME A MEDICAL DOCTOR BECAUSE SHE ALWAYS DESIRE FOR IT WITH THE SCHOLARSHIP SHE HAS WON SO FAR. I WANT YOU TO TAKE HER ALONG WITH YOU TO YOUR COUNTRY AND ESTABLISH HER AS YOUR DAUGHTER.(2) GIVE 20% OF THE MONEY TO HANDICAP PEOPLE AND CHARITY ORGANIZATION. THE REMAINING 50% SHOULD BE YOURS FOR YOUR HELP TO MARY.
NOTE; THIS SHOULD BE A CODE BETWEEN YOU AND MY DAUGHTER MARY ON THIS TRANSACTION “HOSPITAL” ANY MAIL FROM HER, THE LAWYER SHE WILL DIRECT YOU TO, WITHOUT THIS CODE “HOSPITAL” IS NOT FROM THE MARY, THE LAWYER OR MYSELF AS I DON’T KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO ME IN THE NEXT FEW HOURS.
FINALLY, WRITE ME BACK SO THAT MARY WILL SEND YOU HER PICTURES TO BE SURE OF WHOM YOU ARE DEALING WITH. MARY IS 14 YEARS OF AGE NOW, THEREFORE GUIDE HER. AND IF I DON’T HEAR FROM YOU I WILL LOOK FOR ANOTHER PERSON OR ANY ORGANIZATION.
MAY ALMIGHTY GOD BLESS YOU AND USE YOU TO ACCOMPLISH MY WISH. PRAY FOR ME ALWAYS.
MRS VIVIAN BROWN
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